We are here today with our partners Christine and Serge to tell you about our beautiful and treasured son Jakub who died tragically March 11. We would like to share his story with you through these beautiful words that I am grateful that Aaron, in his grief, was able to express so well. Jakub was less than two months away from his 27th birthday, so it is natural to ask yourself, what happened?  

 

Trying to make sense of something so unexpected and senseless is painful, and extremely difficult for all of us.  Mental illness is so often hushed up or glossed over, but openness is needed to create understanding and healing.  Although we’ll never truly know why Jakub’s life ended so tragically, we do know some things and I’d like to share them. 

 

In 2019 Jakub completed his Masters degree at Carleton, and moved back to Winnipeg.  He struggled to find full time challenging employment that interested him, but within a few months he was living with a roommate in a cool apartment in Osborne Village, and working part time at the Bay, with additional side gigs at the Manitoba Theatre Centre and working on a movie set.  Unexpectedly he suffered a major psychotic break in November of 2019, was diagnosed with schizophrenia and hospitalized for 10 days.  No one saw it coming.  As you can imagine it was absolutely devastating for the family. 

 

Over the following weeks we learned a little about the many voices and complex delusions that were beginning to control him.  Reading his private journals now, we can piece together some of the ways in which his illness had been affecting his behaviour and ability to function in the world for months or even years.  He had begun to experience telepathic communications with strangers and people at work.  He wrote “Recently I have been feeling a psychic connection with almost everyone I encounter, even strangers.  Through this channel I’ve heard it referred to as “telegraphing” and I’m sure others are doing it amongst themselves as well.”  Far from being concerned about it, he was excited about the possibilities and intrigued by the voices and intense conversations that began happening in his mind.  However he eventually began to believe that these mental powers were hurting others, which caused him great anguish. 

 

After his release there was a long adjustment period while Jakub stabilized on medications.  He slowly returned to us and was supported as an outpatient by mental health professionals and counsellors.  Even months after hospitalization, and being presented concrete evidence that these communications weren’t actually shared with others, he still struggled to believe it.  Unfortunately the pandemic in 2020 sometimes made it difficult to access care.  His drive to regain independence was strong and admirable, but sometimes led him to dismiss the need for all the supports available to him.  Unbelievably, as soon as he started feeling better in his final days in hospital he became fixated on completing an application to the Masters of City Planning program at U of M – something he had started in the weeks leading up to his psychotic break.  He was later admitted to that program which began in Sept 2020.

 

After 3 months of being on medication and therapy, he showed some degree of acceptance - he wrote “it does seem that what happened has some parallels to psychosis”.  After that time we have no journals recording his inner thoughts and he told family and doctors that the voices were gone.  He eventually seemed to accept that the voices and mental communication with others were not real, but he seemed to reject the schizophrenia diagnosis and preferred the term “non-consensus reality”.  He convinced himself that it was a one time thing.  He was understandably concerned with the stigma associated with mental illness and did not share it with others.  His family respected his wishes to keep his health matters private.  He unfortunately did not meet and share experiences with educated young adults with similar mental health challenges, and the pandemic limited the activity of peer support groups that provide opportunities for this.  He was bothered by the side effects of the medications which made him feel emotionally flat and lethargic.  However his university program helped keep him focused and provided some healthy social interactions.

 

 After completing the first year of his city planning program Jakub got a student internship job with the provincial government over the summer.  After being offered a 6 month extension of the position he decided to drop out of the city planning program, wanting to pursue this career opportunity.  He never had the chance to physically meet any of his co-workers or visit the office in person, limiting true human connections.  During this time he decided to go off his medication without consulting anyone.  When this was discovered, family were very concerned, but he appeared to remain well for several months and continued to check in with his doctor and family.

 

 In late December 2021 Jakub moved into a nice little bachelor pad on Broadway.  His plans for a housewarming party with some former classmates in January were dashed by a new wave of COVID19, but he nonetheless seemed happy with his new place.  By mid-February Jakub started showing some concerning behavioural changes reminiscent of his previous psychosis.  He was having trouble sleeping, appeared to struggle to focus on the present conversation and was increasingly distracted by his own thoughts.  He became distant and unresponsive to phone and text communications.  He was reluctant to discuss mental health concerns with family and felt he had it under control.  He admitted to being distracted and struggling to focus, but maintained that he was not experiencing voices or delusions.  He was sometimes angered by our concerns and seemed suspicious that we were trying to take away his independence.  When communication broke down entirely his doctor was called and arrangements were made to access the apartment but it was too late.  On March 11 Jakub had walked out of his apartment, without keys, wallet or phone, into the bitter cold wind, walked a considerable distance across downtown Winnipeg to the Provencher Bridge where his life ended.  It is too horrible to imagine, yet here we are today faced with the reality that he is gone forever. 

 

 They say that when you unexpectedly lose a loved one, the events continuously replay in your mind for a long time.  That’s true but perhaps even more so the repeating questions.  Why?  What was he thinking?  Was he afraid?  Did he feel trapped and hopeless?  Were the voices and delusions controlling him?  Was he trying to save himself or others? Was it like a waking dream?  Did he slip and fall?  We’ll never know.  We search for clues and only find confirmation of the Jakub we knew who was motivated, socially conscious, talented, curious and kind. At the time he died Jakub was continuing to plan and work toward goals in life, despite what must have been enormous internal struggles with his illness.  He had recently done things like update his Resume and wirting portfolio, applying for jobs, making inquiries about volunteer opportunities, ordering stuff for his apartment and buying concert tickets.  There was no indication that the Jakub we knew was planning to end his life.  The secrets within him he kept hidden, maybe even from himself.  

 

 So we are left with a horrific tragedy and a hole in our lives. Finding any ray of light in this is difficult, but lets try by considering memories of the good times spent together, the things he taught us during his life and appreciating the family and friends who supported us.  There are so many wonderful memories.  Jakub was a sweet, thoughtful and somewhat timid child.  He was the baby grandchild of the Woodward family but the first of the grandchildren in the Marshall family, and the first great-grandchild in the Cey clan. He was a well loved and well travelled toddler – Toronto to Saskatoon to Seattle and places in between.  In Seattle he very excitedly welcomed a little brother into the world – he was more than ready for that.  Sefton became his constant follower and playmate just as he hoped.

 

 Arriving in Winnipeg just in time to start school, he developed plenty of confidence when he was in his element, whether it was building massive brio train tracks or lego towns, or herding a bunch of unruly friends to play games (sometimes entitled “Jakub made it up”).  He tried many sports, but that was generally not his thing – until we stumbled upon fencing which appealed to his castles and dragons imagination and individualistic way of thinking.  He fenced his way up to the provincial team.  He started going to Camp Stephens every summer, often with neighborhood friends, and made many wonderful memories of island camp and canoe trips.  Winnipeg Folk Festival was another summer highlight – people, music, camping, mosquitos, sunburn and roaming free on the prairie grass – all fueled by sugary drinks from the backstage drink tent.  

 

 Jakub was seemingly born to be a leader.  He was so excited when his little brother was born, which gave him an adoring little minion to go along with all the games he constantly cooked up in his head. In the gang of friends from Riverview school, Jakub often took the role of organizer, peace-maker, game-master and mayor of Lego town. Although not the strongest, fastest or strongest-willed of the bunch, Jakub had that way about him.  There was a quiet confidence, creativity and high self-regard that emerged early in life and stuck - through high school, where he won the top music student award, and University where he won a silver medal and was valedictorian.  He loved group music projects and was a participant and leader in many over the years.  Even as his emerging mental illness started to destroy friendships and create social difficulties for him, it did little to shake his confidence in his own abilities (and even amplified it in some respects).  We have many fond memories of Jakub the game-master, from childhood Heroclix tournaments at the comic shop, to Star Wars role play games in high school, to recent Friday night Gloomhaven sessions and Settlers of Catan after Sunday dinner.  Check out the ceramic game pieces on the tables!

 

 Jakub’s musical education began very young.  The Music Cellar provided a fantastic community of aspiring musicians that was important to him.  Then there were high school band and band trips, which became another important community.  By the end of high school his music interest had morphed into full blown high school bands, regular jamming, song-writing and some performing gigs.  Going to music school became the obvious choice for him, and with the encouragement of music teachers he applied to and was accepted at Brandon University School of Music. Jakub experienced many good times associated with going away to college – staying in residence, living in a crazy student house and finally a quieter 2 bed apartment with a fellow music student.  Being in a small program allowed him to connect with fellow music students, many of whom have shared fond memories of those years on Instagram.  He surprised us by getting very involved in choral work and we enjoyed seeing many lovely concerts put on by Brandon music students.  He enjoyed participating in a residency at Riding Mountain National Park. Jakub drove Grannie Woodward’s old car up and down the trans-canada many times and knew the Brandon-Winnipeg half-way tree very well.  His graduation performance of a major original work was a proud moment. 

 

 Jakub loved to travel and had the opportunity to enjoy many memorable trips in his brief time.  From numerous band trips, to visiting his buddy Thomas in Cardiff, Montreal and Halifax.  Family trips across Canada and the US and drinking rum in Havana with Grandpa beard.  From riding the bus to Toronto to see Sigur Ros with his friends to a post-graduation trip to Europe with his dad.  Not to mention numerous camping trips, hanging out in the bowler and chilling at parent’s cottages.  Many lovely memories.

Just before going away to University, Christine and Genevieve entered into Jakub’s life. Developing these new family relationships was a long process as he lived away from the city for many years, but Jakub did develop strong relationships, especially with his new sister ‘Gen’.  He wrote in his journal that he hoped that they would be best friends when she grew up.  In one of his summers back in Winnipeg Jakub worked for the Winnipeg Jazz festival and he suggested his mom volunteer. That’s how she met Serge who became an important part of the family.  Although we have a complex blended family, Jakub grew to accept and appreciate the family he had. 

 

 After graduation, Jakub was determined to pursue some kind of higher education and settled on a Masters program at Carleton University in Ottawa that seemed to match his interests perfectly.  He was passionate about the world of ideas and creativity and took the opportunity to immerse himself.  Truth be told Jakub always loved school and actively resisted learning about practical adult stuff, which sometimes led to problems for him.  He wrote in his journal “Real life is fucking boring [last two words underlined]. I don’t know why so many people hate on school, its so stimulating and it nourishes your soul.  And there are young people everywhere who are just as naive and idealistic as you are. Not like when you are home for summer and you just have your family nattering at you asking when are you going to get your shit together.  Don’t mean to complain about my family, I love my family”.  Thanks Jakub for that last bit.  Living in Ottawa gave him opportunities to occasionally connect with family in nearby Kanata, giving some cherished memories such as jamming with cousin Noah. 

 

 While working on his thesis about punk movements Jakub yearned to spend time in more active urban cultural scenes such as Toronto or Montreal.  He spent a summer working for Toronto Parks organizing cultural programming which he seemed to really enjoy.  He hoped to find a job in Toronto after graduation. However the final year in Ottawa turned out to be quite a lonely time for him, and he did a lot of soul searching and self-reckoning regarding mistakes of the past and how to become his best self moving forward.  He dabbled in psychedelic drugs, which is something he was interested in since undergraduate days.  He considered it as part of his research understanding punk culture and also as a way of opening his creative mind like they did in the 60s and 70s.  His psychiatrist later told him that drug use is one of the triggers in those susceptible to schizophrenia, something Jakub did not know he was susceptible to.  Jakub wrote extensively in his private journal during this time, some of which is quite disturbing to read.  He seemed to sense that things were changing in his brain and repeatedly wrote of the feeling that he was on the edge of some great revelation.  

 

 The hoped-for job in Toronto did not materialize and practical considerations finally caught up with him, bringing him back to Winnipeg.  He was happy to be back and by this time was craving stability and a permanent home base after a few years of moving around a lot.   He started a regular game night with Serge and his cousin Eric which became a cherished tradition. He continued his quest to recreate a better self. He seemed to be doing okay - found himself a part time job, some additional side gigs and an apartment, and seemed quite confident and almost giddily happy at times, until the devastating disease began to take over his life. Nothing can take away the horror of what happened but it is comforting to know that his life was full of rich experiences and many good memories, of seeking truth and connection.  We are also left with the things he taught us and the unique perspective brought to our lives.  

 

  Jakub was an idealist who continuously, and sometimes agonizingly, searched for the right path in life.  He was confused by the chaos and cruelty in the world and was continuously searching for rational solutions and meaning.  He was deeply concerned by the destruction of the environment, the excesses of capitalism and the protection of human rights and freedoms.  He wanted to find the right cause and was more than ready to fight for it.  He wrote: “Revolution is like a music. It resonates from individuals who embody a refusal to exist in the negative”.  He challenged himself to carefully examine all sides of issues, which sometimes led him to find imperfections and become disillusioned with the causes he was once passionate about – and this distressed him.  However he continuously believed in love as a pure force in the world and wrote “Love itself is the ultimate rebellion”, although his idealistic and romantic view of love also sometimes led to pain and disillusionment.  Jakub’s idealism reminds us of the compromises we make as adults living in an unjust world and gives us pause for thought.

 

 Jakub was a creator who left behind music and writings that embody his unique perspectives and ideals.  You have heard some of his music today, and links to his music and writings can be found on his memorial page.  His thesis work will be discussed at an upcoming conference in Ottawa.  He was dedicated to growing his knowledge and emotional depth and was proud of what he accomplished.  He became well aware that his choices were impractical but did it anyway.  Jakub’s unflinching embrace of his own creative mind reminds us to value our own unique inner worlds and cultivate creativity over conformity.  

 

 Jakub was a listener and could interact with all kinds of people.  He was open to everyone’s views.  His gentleness and kindness in working with others has often been commented on.  He was empathetic and took the time to help people who were struggling.  He was a sensitive individual who felt deeply, and who loved easily (and could also be hurt easily).  He could be swept up in his emotions, sometimes into passionate anger about something he felt strongly about.  Jakub valued creativity and worked continuously to develop his own creative abilities.  He recognized the value of his own emotional depth and recognized it in others as well as in the artistic works of others.   He challenged those he met to be kind, open and creative.  He challenged himself and others to ‘dream a different world’.

 

 Losing a loved one makes us recognize and appreciate our many supportive friends and family.  Thanks for joining us today, particularly those who travelled long distances to be here. Thank you for bearing witness to Jakub’s tragic story, and helping us celebrate him as a unique individual.  The beautiful memories of his life and the impact of his relationships and creations will not be forgotten.  

 

 Finally, we hope everyone can also take away a better understanding of the hidden risks of schizophrenia and psychosis and take the time to support organizations that help individuals and families living with this devastating illness.  Thank you